Yesterday I realized that I’m not okay. And that may not be significant to anyone else, but it is to me. I’m not good at admitting or saying that I’m not okay. I just never accepted it. I was always alright. Things were fine. As long as I’m able to function fine, I’d never think anything was wrong. I don’t really know how that sounds to someone else but to me.. it means something.

Unexpected. But life is unpredictable. And I wasn’t ready to meet you. So I chose not to. Maybe my thinking was selfish. Maybe you were ready to meet me and in meeting you I would become ready too. But to my core, I felt that I wasn’t. And though my heart and spirit fought with everything I had against my resolve to prevent our meeting from happening, the choice was set. I had prepped myself for this situation beforehand. I said I would not. I had learned from the multitude of examples surrounding me.. That’s what I thought. But it’s different when you’re in the situation. It’s always different from that point of view…

I imagined meeting you. I still imagine meeting you. Even after I made sure it wasn’t possible. Not because I didn’t love you. Or the person who brought you to me. In fact, I love you both. It may come as a surprise to you but I’m not very good at showing that. Haha. But, I do. I still imagine hugging you, getting to know you, seeing you smile.. I wouldn’t down you I love you every chance I could. Which would’ve been every single day. In the morning, at night, in the afternoon.. at any given moment, just because… and it saddens me every day that I’ll never get to have those moments. I’ll always feel like I snuffed out my little ray of sunshine. And my mind will flood with “what could have been”.

Mon Ange… Ma Belle… Never doubt my love for you. I already love you more than myself and I’m sure it will grow with age. And I may not show it all the time. Hell, you may think I don’t give a damn about anything. But I do, and I love you. More than life itself. Mon Couer, the same applies to you.. Please. Never doubt me. Know that I love you. Know that I care. And make sure they know as well, just like I’ll do in regards to you.

You are my heart